break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
