bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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