today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
