Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
