My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
