You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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