Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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