my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
