I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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