She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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