My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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