Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
