I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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