I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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