You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
