Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Randomize
