when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
