I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
