Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
