I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
being pregnant is like rehab
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
