nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
