Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
