About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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