The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm bleeding and have questions
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
