Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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