"it" just moved
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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