someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
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