pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
