p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
