Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
