I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
