god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
