oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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