shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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