i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
