I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
