booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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