1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
