I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
