guys are only as good as the porn they watch
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
