i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
