I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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