Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
