Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
