me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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