god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
