We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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