Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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