I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
