I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
