I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
